looking behind
by theway.youare13
Summary: If she wants to be able to go forward, Amanda needs to go backwards. (one shot)


_Hi everyone! Today I felt like writing, but I needed to make a little break from my other fiction. That's why I came up with this short story. It's just a one-shot. I know, it's not very long but…. Well, read by yourself, if you feel like to. _

_Take care! _

**_xxxblessxxx_**

* * *

It was a fresh summer night. Usually, Amanda would have been hanging after work with the other detectives. She wouldn't have talked much but the reassuring presence of her now called friends would have been enough to pacify the chronic anxiety. No, she wouldn't probably get rid of that feeling but now she was proud to admit that it was only a quiet whisper inside her soul that she was able to handle.

Tonight though, it wasn't a usual night. She would go back to Atlanta, for the first time since she established in the big city. Back home. Could she still call that place home? Well, it depended on how you saw things. If home was where it hurt, then, yes, it definitely was home. But if home was where her life was, then Atlanta was just a prior cloud. She thought she was ready to face the past, she was persuaded she could confront it, until now. Now, she wasn't sure she could do it anymore, she wasn't convinced she wanted to look behind.

* * *

When the doorbell rang, she jumped and shook her head to cancel the nonsense of her action.

"Hey!" Olivia offered her usual smile.

"Come in" Amanda nodded, holding a pile of clothes in her left hand.

"Wow, what is that?" Olivia laughed, noticing the amount of clothing covering half of the blonde's floor. "You're leaving for a week, right?" Olivia teased, feeling the tensed atmosphere.

"I just.. don't remember how the weather is like down there.. ya know?" It was a silly excuse that only someone about to go on holiday could give.

Feeling that her emotions were submerging her, Amanda sat on the floor, staring a blue tank top. She was soon followed by the brunette, who knelt in front of her friend and then grabbed the top from Amanda's hands. Olivia was aware that it wasn't going to be easy for the blonde but it wasn't until that moment that she understood how profoundly it affected the woman.

"Amanda, what happened in Atlanta?" Olivia whispered, finally sitting in front of the young woman.

Past scars don't cause pain until you scratch them. Amanda let out a sigh and closed her eyes, to avoid tears to fall. A low shaking voice, so far from the assurance Amanda usually appeared to have, answered to Liv's question.

"Don't ask" She shook her head with desolation "Not now" she added, as to say that one day, maybe, she'll be able to share something deeper than bad jokes with her workmate.

Olivia wasn't really sure about what to say. If going to Atlanta made her feel so bad, maybe it wasn't such a good idea. On the other hand, it's been three years since the blonde hadn't take one vacation day and it surely would be beneficial for her friend to take some distance. The brunette didn't like the uneasiness she could feel in the blonde's apartment. It was like Amanda's tension literally empoisoned the oxygen.

"Amanda, I need to know you're gonna be ok" Olivia simply admitted, hoping that her concern would been taken as a sign of kindness and not as a way to discourage the blonde's departure.

"I… yeah, I'm gonna be fine" Amanda's words were in total opposition to the way she was grabbing her hair. "It's just… I love being in New-York". It wasn't a lie. It was just not the exact reason why she felt so anxious but Olivia would have to be pleased with this half truth.

"And we love that too" The brunette was still studying the blonde's dubious face. "Listen, you can call me… if you like to… all right?"

"To tell ya about my holidays, like… we're friends?" Amanda weirdly stared at the brunette.

"Yeah, like that. Why not?" The brunette herself was surprised about what she just said, not that she would mind the friendship call but they both knew they didn't fit the hanging-on-the-phone girls cliché. Hopefully, the blonde would get the hidden message though and call her if… If what? The brunette didn't even know what was the danger the blonde was going against. Maybe that was the reason why she felt so anxious herself now.

* * *

"Are you ready?"

Amanda never really would be. But she felt strong enough to go back to yesterday without being hurt too much. "Yes, I am", she simply answered, careful not to face the brunette. Last thing she needed was to betray herself.

There was nothing Olivia could do except trusting the blonde, that's why she nodded, without asking more about why it was so hard for her to take a few days off.

Amanda was grateful that the usually inquiring Olivia didn't preach nor made her feel more vulnerable than she already felt.

Before leaving the apartment though, Amanda froze. Leaving the reassuring habitude of her safe place was paralyzing. One hand on the door handle, she couldn't resolve to move her body. "Just tell me…" Her voice was crying even though the blue eyes proudly focused on the pale pink wall. To say the truth, she didn't even know what she wanted to hear. Maybe that whatever would happen, she was going to come back and everything will be back to normal.

"Yes" Olivia reassured, gently patting her friends' shoulders. "You can do this" The brunette assured, with faith more than with certitude.

Amanda took a deep breath. She couldn't lose herself if she kept focusing on why it was important to go backwards. In a week from that day, she would be proud to declare that whatever used to be a reality, was definitely over. Nothing would ever be erased, but there was a right place for everything. Past must be in the past. "Let's do this". The courageous blonde opened the door. "I'm stronger than I was" she loudly said to herself, as an encouragement.


End file.
